Josh Polk: Laughter is the best Medicine - 7/26/13 - Male Performer Chat

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Laughter is the best Medicine

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Male Performer Chat: Laughter is the best Medicine

Created by: Sergio Mazotti

11/30/14 @ 1:53pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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Two in the morning, the call to the apartment. Wife opens the door, falls "in the wood" drunken husband. The wife asks: "Where did you get drunk" ???
Husband barely mumbles: "Between friends" and passed out.
Pause. Wife begins to undress drunken husband.
Pulls the trouser legs and pulls panties, sees on the "end" of the condom.
Plucks it and sticks to her husband in the ass. Going and leaves.
The next day, comes home for things that comes into the apartment, saw the horror.
Everything shines on the purity, the husband in an apron cooking dinner, linen laundered and ironed, a huge bouquet of flowers in a vase. "Why are you at home and not have friends ??" - asks the wife.
Husband muttering: "I do not have more friends."

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Created by: malteeser

12/1/14 @ 1:39am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

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Created by: louisphillippe

12/1/14 @ 1:45am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Momentarely in this galaxy while the mother ship r
Posts: 1,234

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Best thread ever!!!! :orglaugh

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Created by: thomas80

12/1/14 @ 5:40am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Belgium
Posts: 1,051

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Sergio, sorry but I don't get it :-(

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Created by: malteeser

12/2/14 @ 12:02pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

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Created by: malteeser

12/3/14 @ 11:22am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

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Created by: sam743

12/3/14 @ 11:42am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Posts: 59

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thanks for your jokes malteeser (and others), I really enjoy them

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Created by: malteeser

12/6/14 @ 12:02am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."

With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn.

"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.

He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door.

"What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks.

The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood...

The pig and the cow.

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Created by: louisphillippe

12/6/14 @ 2:29pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Momentarely in this galaxy while the mother ship r
Posts: 1,234

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Lovers undress each other BEFORE sex but dress themselves AFTER sex. :thumbsup

When a woman is pregnant all their friends rub her belly and wish her well....
no one ever rubs the cock of the guy that got her pregnant. :evil

Money doesn't buy happiness but it is a lot better to cry in the back
of a Bentley than on a bicycle.... :orglaugh

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems..Cows milk either... :winkwink

Forgive your enemy...but remember the name of the son of a bitch!... :winkwink

If you help a friend in need next time he is in trouble again he'll remember you. :winkwink

Condoms don't help to have safe sex.My friend was wearing one when the
jealous husband of the woman shot him dead... :orglaugh

CHEERS MATES!! :drinkup

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Created by: @nth0ny

12/17/14 @ 10:44pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Texas, United States
Posts: 6

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Anybody here have telekenesis? Raise my hand

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Created by: ourjeffie

12/18/14 @ 8:14pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Brisbane Australia, home of the 2032 Olympic Games
Posts: 45,936

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Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.

As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.

Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

Once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

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Created by: ourjeffie

12/29/14 @ 11:30pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Brisbane Australia, home of the 2032 Olympic Games
Posts: 45,936

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

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Created by: malteeser

1/17/15 @ 5:40am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no !" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

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Created by: Sencer

1/17/15 @ 1:21pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00

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malt,i wish you a late happy new year my friend,and glade to see you around :* sorry for off-topic :offtopic

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Created by: malteeser

1/18/15 @ 1:04pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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Should I take you seriously in a jokes' thread, dear Sencer?

(And you too should not take me seriously - this is a jokes' thread! Happy New Year, mate and to all readers.)
And now for today's joke:

Brenda is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim.

"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

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Created by: malteeser

1/19/15 @ 10:04am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32", the clerk replies.

"I'm actually 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald's, and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, "I'd quess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself.

While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman, and she finally said, "What the hell, go ahead."

The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"

He removes his hands and says, "You are 47."

Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing! How did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

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Created by: malteeser

1/20/15 @ 10:10am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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Two boys are arguing over whose father is the biggest scared guy!

The first says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second boy replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

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Created by: malteeser

1/21/15 @ 12:31pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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The City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. The chef then proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.
Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this infraction when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.

"That's nothing," said the manager, "you should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"

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Created by: malteeser

1/21/15 @ 12:36pm (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me up here to make love to you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

He shouts down the stairs to his friend, "Both of them?"

The reply comes back, "Yes, both of them!"

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Created by: malteeser

1/22/15 @ 10:47am (EDT) | UTC - 4:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

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