Elyse's Journal Day 2
6:00 am
*Phone ringing* With my sleepy voice, "Hello?"
Gay Turkish concierge: "Ms. E, Ms. E...wake up, wake up, you will miss your excursion to Bumfuck Turkey! Your plane leaves in ten minutes"
Oh my GOD! Jumping out of bed, I trip over something furry and stumble into the bathroom. Whatever I ate last night doesn't smell very good this morning. I can't find any toilet paper, ughhh! I jump into the shower and see I have no more shampoo or soap. Damn! I forgot to tip the maid! Grrrrrr!
6:03 am
Putting on my clothes, I find that all my panties are gone. Fucking eek! I put on my tight jeans and sexy top running out the door. I get to front of the hotel and see a bunch of men laying on the ground with broken bones being taken away by ambulances. Thank God I thought to myself, finally a day with those 82 guys.
6:05 am
Into the taxi and a mad dash to the airport. I tell Humjii to put the pedal to the metal! Humjii lights some incense to cover his foul body odor. I gaged a little! Humjii, turns to me and says "I would give you all my goats for one night of pleeeasuuuure with you" I say to him, sorry I only accept credits and wink! Humjii is confused and insists his goats are very smart and the best in all of Turkey. I look Humjii in the eyes and slide my hand down my body and ask him, how many goats do you have? Humjii loses control of the taxi and runs into a kebab stand. Laughing, I get out of the taxi and start running a short distance to the airport.
6:08 am
Out of breath, I reach the counter at the airport. I look at the person helping me, it looks like a woman but it has a very hairy face. I try not to notice. It abruptly says in a deep voice "Where are you GOING?". I quietly said Bumfuck. It raised its voice and asked me again "WHERE ARE YOU GOING" Finally, at the top of my lungs I yelled "BUMFUCK" The airport went silent. The women looked at me with disgust! The men had little smiles on their faces. The lady/man at the counter asked if I had anything to declare, I quietly said no and it gave me one ticket to Bumfuck Turkey.
6:10 am
I made it to my plane and took my seat. While the plane was taking off, everyone began to sing. "istiyorum, Bumfuck! Seks seks seks Bumfuck!" All I could understand was the word Bumfuck. I asked the lady next to me what they were singing and she said it was customary to sing this song before arriving in Bumfuck. So, I sang with them! Finally, I found some fun people! I think I will like Bumfuck!
8:10 am
Arrive in Bumfuck Turkey
The Captain of the plane comes out of the cockpit pulling up his zipper. "Welcome to Bumfuck, enjoy your stay". I look into the cock pit and see a goat sitting in the co-pilots seat. I asked the Captain, why is there a goat flying the plane? The Captain says to me, my co-pilot Humjii was in an accident this morning, so he said I could borrow one of his goats. Wink Wink!
8:30 am
I find my tour guide for the day smoking a cigarette next to his van which is oddly shaped like a penis. He says, "Welcome to Bumfuck! I will be showing you our quint little town. I get into the van and there are little plastic penis and butts hanging from the ceiling of the van. The van is covered with brown shag carpeting. I look into the back of the van and there is a bed with a mirror above it. My tour guide winks at me and asks me, "How do you like Bumfuck?" I told him I was very hungry and needed some food.
9:30 am
We arrive in downtown Bumfuck and there are goats everywhere. My tour guide says, this is our most famous restaurant. The name of the restaurant was "Delights of Bumfuck" Go have some food and I will park the van in the alley and wait for you. I go into the restaurant and I see goats sitting with men eating food. I find a table to myself and the waiter brings me a menu. The waiter smiles and says, "Welcome to the Delights of Bumfuck. The chef has prepared one special today. It's called Beef Strokin Off! Very tasty! Please look at the menu and I will be right back". I look at the menu and see they only offer a few choices. The waiter comes back and I tell him I would like the Tossed Salad and Greek kebab! He smiles and says, excellent choice! He recommends the white cream sauce for my kebabs and goes back to the kitchen with a big smile on his face. I think to myself, all the people of Bumfuck are sooo nice.
10:30 am
I finish eating and pay the bill. I noticed that all the money in Bumfuck has a picture of a penis on one side and a goat on the other. Well I think to myself, Bumfuckians are an interesting culture. I walk out to the van, but as I get closer to the van I see it shaking and moving. I hear sounds coming from the van, so I knock on the back door. The van door slowly opens. I see the Captain and Humjii's goat gaged and tied to the bed in the van. My tour guide says, just one minute and I'll be right with you as he closed the van door. I slowly walked away from the van and decided to look around Bumfuck on my own.
11:30 am
I find a nice museum and pay the fee. I spent 3 hours looking at the art of Bumfuck which was mostly sculptures, paintings and photographs of either goats or penis's. There was a small glass art piece in the middle of the museum dedicated to the man who discovered Bumfuck.
The writing said:
Dedicated to Humongous Bumfuck who in 1798 lost his goat and discovered this mysterious land. To this day we honor his memory and the goat who led him here. The past will be a reminder to us all that every goat should be treated with kindness and love.
Humongous Bumfuck 1767-1799 RIP
3:30 pm
After the museum I decided to walk around town. I found my self walking down a very strange street. There were goats everywhere dressed in clothes. As I got closer to these goats, I could see they were wearing woman's clothing. They had nicely combed hair with lipstick on their lips. I could see the were mostly going in and out of a store called "Humongous". I walked into this store to see what was going on inside. I couldn't believe my eyes, but there were men dancing with goats. There was a goat on a stage spinning around a pole with no clothes on. I asked the bartender, what is this place? He explained that goats were entertainment in Bumfuck. The men prefer to be with goats more than their wives. I heard this loud noise behind me, I turned around and saw my tour guide up on the stage with this dancing naked goat! The bartender yells at him, "That is going to cost you 2,000 Bumfucks!"
4:30 pm
I catch a taxi that looks like a goat back to the airport. The taxi driver says, "Thanks for visiting Bumfuck Turkey, we don't see many beautiful women like you in our town. It wouldn't matter anyway" Before I got onto the plane, I asked this taxi driver who was Humongous Bumfuck? The taxi driver explained, "Humongous left his wife in search of this goat and found his goat grazing with other goats in this mysterious land. I asked the taxi driver, why did Humongous leave his wife for this one silly goat? The taxi driver said, Humongous's wife didn't like Bumfuck, but his goat did."
5:30 pm
Plane taking off, people singing again! Something about how they long to return to Bumfuck! Flight attendant handing out crackers shaped like penis's and goats. Finally the plane landed and I was not sure I should thank the Captain after seeing him in the back of the van. I peeked into the cockpit, but this time I saw two goats and no Captain. The flight attendant quickly closed the cockpit door and thanked me for flying Air Bumfuck. I asked her, where is the Captain? She replied, "The Captain and Humjii's goat were last seen getting into a van that looked like a penis! We have not heard from them since!"
6:30 pm
Arrive back at my hotel. I go to my room and forgot that I was in a hurry to catch my plane to Bumfuck and I left my room key inside. I started to turn around then hear the door opening behind me. I didn't see anybody in my room! As I walked in, I tripped over something furry again. I look down and there is this "fucking cat" looking at me.
Meow!
6:31 pm
Seks seks seks Bumfuck!!!!
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turkey will get an angel for a week and I wish our bunny to have a wonderful time relaxing and reading books on the beach and enjoying life away from us 
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